For real
by Sparkliing
Summary: A oneshot post ep. 3x25 The graduates. Don't read if you haven't seen that episode. Ryan blames himself for the events of one horrible night and now he is forced to deal with the feelings of great loss.


**Title:** For Real

**Pairing:** Ryan/Marissa

**Characters:** Ryan, focusing on his relationship with Marissa. Seth, Summer, Kirsten, Sandy, Jimmy, Julie, Dr. Roberts, Kaitlin, Theresa and Trey are also briefly mentioned. I think that was all of them:P

**Author:** Linnea

**Raiting:** T

**Spoilers:** Mostly 3x25 The Graduates, but also some scenes from 1x01 The Pilot and 1x07 The Escape if there's any OC-fans out there that haven't seen those episodes.

**Genre: **Angst

**Summary:**A one-shot post ep. 3x25 The Graduates. Don't read if you haven't seen that episode.Ryan blames himself for the events of one horrible night and now he is forced to deal with the feelings of great loss.

**A/N:** I'm not sure if this is any good, since it's my first fanfic for OC, but it's worth a try. Just my way of dealing with the loss of one of my favorite characters, Marissa Cooper.I may have changed some small details in the scenes from the show, but I just wrote from my memory so it could be slightly wrong, but nothing I can do about that now,right?Also I haven't seen the season 3 episodes 11-24, so now references of Ryan and Marissas relationship during that time will be mentioned. Sorry.And all the text in Italic is Ryan's kind of reality-dream. I hope it's not confusing, otherwise I think it will clear further down in the story.I hope you guys will enjoy this too.

Here's the story:

His head was spinning out of control, and his emotions were getting to him. He started to see everything blurry and the whole world seemed to rush by his eyes. His body and mind were so overwhelmed by feelings that he didn't know what to think anymore. Slowly he lay down on his bed in the pool house, and fell asleep.

_Her body was light, lighter then he remembered it to be. He was hurt and everything was working against him, but still he kept walking with her in his arms, determined to not give up on her. All this was so deja vú, and he thought back to the two previous times he had carried her like this._

**_FLASHBACK_**

_The first was on his very first night in Newport. After the fashion show, they had all gone to Holly's house to party, and he and Seth had gotten their asses kicked by the waterpolo-team, and Marissa's boyfriend in particular._

_When he got home to the Cohen's later that night, he had seen Summer and Holly dumping Marissa by her front door, passed out. His instincts had made him go there, and he picked her body up, as if it was made of porcelain. He had cherished her and her undeniable beauty higher than anyone from the start, and this was his way of showing her what she meant to him already at that stage._

_He had carried her, cradled in his arms, all the way to his pool house, where he knew they wouldn't be disturbed, at least not until morning. There, on the sofa, Seth had already fallen asleep, exhausted by his first real fight._

_He carefully carried her inside through the glass door, and put her body down on the low double bed. There he hovered over her for a few seconds, watching her stunningly beautiful facial features and how she looked so content and unbothered, lying their in a tight top and skirt and with her make-up still on._

_But to him, she would always be beautiful._

**_END OF FLASHBACK_**

_Her appearance was so much different this time, now she was weak and almost broken, her face pale, like a ghost, and her eyes teary and bloodshot. Her skin, looked to him like it was almost translucent, it seemed so thin. Her long hair was hanging over her shoulders and dangling in the air beneath her head._

_He put her down on the road, and kept his arms around her. He held her head in the palm of his hand, and kept his over arm draped around her shoulder, so she wouldn't fall to the ground._

_He tried, he really did, to keep her awake, to force her to stay with him at all costs. He talked to her, told her to keep her eyes open and be with him, he almost pleaded for it. Because he knew if she closed those eyes, it could be forever._

_He found himself trying to usher all the strength he had left from the car crash, into her weak body, to help her fight harder._

_He wanted to go and get help, to do everything he could to save her. He thought that was his best chance to keep her alive. But she asked him to stay; she wanted him to stay with her. And he knew he couldn't say no, he couldn't refuse her wish, not now, not ever. She wanted him to stay, and he found it impossible to go._

_Then he saw the blood dripping down her forehead. He could see the wound, half obscured behind her hair. It was big and bloody and it scared him. It scared him so much._

_That's when he realised, he might really lose her. Suddenly a little more perspective rushed into him. It dawned on him, he might actually lose her. And it made him think back to the last time he was this close to losing her._

**_FLASHBACK_**

_It reminded him so much of Tijuana, the very unusual chain of events that had transpired down there several years ago. Yet it still felt like yesterday, when the four of them found Luke cheating on Marissa with Holly, how she stumbled out of the club and then disappeared._

_They had searched for her everywhere, but then when Summer found her again, she had escaped, with Summer's stepmothers painkillers._

_After what felt like an eternity of searching the crowded streets, he finally spotted her passed out figure, lying in an alley. He ran towards her, shaking her shoulders and hoping he would find some life in her body._

_He had lifted her up in his arms, carried her towards Summer and Seth, unsure if she was dead or alive._

_He had been so close to losing her then, but she had survived. Would she now?_

**_END OF FLASHBACK_**

_And as her body became weaker and weaker, and he could feel her losing more and more strength, he knew it was coming closer. The End. He wanted to do something radical to bring back the life he could feel slipping away in his arms, but he was paralyzed by the situation, unable to move._

_Her eyes fluttered open, she used the last ounce of power within her to look at him, and in that look he could see all she ever felt for him, and still did, would always feel. Their past, all the things they had gone through together, it was all there._

_But her gaze was also filled with all the pain of the situation, the hardness of what was happening. She didn't want this any more than he did, yet it was still happening. There was nothing he could do to stop it. He could feel himself fighting the inevitable, pulling together his last strength for her survival, but it wasn't enough._

_Her eyes closed, for the last time, and he felt the body he held in his hands losing the life it once carried. He felt her dying._

_He felt his insides screaming 'NO', and refusing to believe what was happening right before him. He just shook his head, saying no, no, no._

_He didn't want her to be dead; he needed her in his life. She couldn't be. NO!_

Ryan opened his eyes and threw himself hastily up in a sitting position. His body was shaking fiercely and he was covered in a cold sweat, startled by the dream he just had.

He pinched himself in the arm, just to make sure this wasn't a dream too. Unfortunately, it wasn't. She was gone, and he had just relived all of the events from that night. The worst night of his life.

That had to be the worst nightmare ever, first to see a person he loved die in his arms, then to wake up and find out it wasn't a dream, but real.

It had been a week since 'the accident', and he still wasn't feeling any better. After she had died, he had sat silently for several minutes, just crying by her side. Then he had finally composed himself and called Sandy, who called 911, just in case.

But deep down, Ryan had already known she was dead.

Then everything was a blur, and he didn't remember much. The EMT's came and he rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital, where he met Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, Summer, Julie, Kaitlin and Dr.Roberts, all those that were closest to her.

He couldn't recall much of the events there, he just remembered Jimmy showing up after awhile, a

hell of a lot of crying, and an aching pain in his chest of losing someone that meant so much to him.

**5 days later**

He walked slowly, enjoying feeling the soft sand of the beach under his bare feet. A bit further down, he saw the contours of the ruffed lifeguard tower coming closer towards him.

He both dreaded and wanted to go there in different ways. Wanted, because he knew it would be good for him to say goodbye in private, to release all his thoughts and feelings about their

relationship, her, and that night. He needed it.

Dreaded, because once he got there, he knew he would have to face what happened, it would be real.

He walked up the ramp to the lifeguard station, and saw the picture of her standing there, surrounded by flowers. The lifeguard station where he and she had shared so much, had become a memory spot for those who wanted to show their appreciation for everything she did, and for those

who wanted to remember her.

He knew Seth, Summer and all the other family had been here a couple of days ago, but he hadn't come then. He just didn't have the strength or ability, he had still been in denial about what had happened.

He bent down and touched the beautiful framed picture of her with the back of his hand. It was taken on the night of the prom she had hosted last year, Under the O.sea. He had been in Chino half the night, clearing some things up with Trey and seeing Theresa who he hadn't seen in a very long time. But when he returned to Marissa who at the time was his girlfriend and date, they had had the

time of their life together with Seth and Summer. It had been a really memorable night.

By touching that picture, he felt as he had a stronger connection with her, wherever she was now.

He missed her, he missed her like crazy, and it had only been a couple of days.

Strange how he really didn't miss her like this when they were broken up. Of course he missed her very much then too, more then he had thought, but it wasn't the same as now. But back then she wasn't gone, he knew she was still there, and by that he knew all chances wasn't dead for them. She

was still there, even if he wasn't with her. And he could live with that.

But now, now it would never be the same. Right now he would do anything if he could have her back, if she would just be alive.

He sank down with his back against the small building, his eyes looking out over the deep blue ocean.

Their relationship, it had been so complicated. She was the first person he met in Newport, besides Sandy of course, and ever since that night they had developed an undeniable attraction for each other.

Everything possible had come in their way, boyfriends and girlfriends, mad therapy-friends, exes, babies, pregnancies, jealousy, brotherhood, gun shooting, fading love and bad communication.

Some of them had brought them closer; others had made them drift further apart.

But no matter what, they would always share a special bond, because of what their relationship had been through, how much they had survived together. She had been his first real love, his only real love. He had tried being away from her, tried to love other girlfriends the way he had loved her, still loved her, but he always ended up coming to the same conclusion, his feelings for her would never really die.

He could try to love others, but she would always be his first real love. And his feelings towards her would always be stronger than any others.

Now that she was gone, he wondered if his feelings would fade. It was different this time than all the others, this time he couldn't get her back. In one way he didn't want them to, he always wanted her to have that special place in his heart. And deep inside, he knew he could never replace her.

Never.

But at the same time, he didn't want it to hurt like this forever. Because it really did hurt so much. And he didn't know if he could live with this feeling of complete and utter loneliness for that much longer.

He knew it was stupid, he wasn't alone. He had Sandy, Kirsten and Seth

supporting him, it was possible to be so much more alone then he was right now. But still, he couldn't help but feel that they didn't quite understand him and what he was feeling. As much as they had seen the development of Marissa and his relationship from the outside, they hadn't lived it themselves.

And for someone that hadn't gone through all of those events, Ryan almost thought it was impossible to understand completely.

Because the truth was, Marissa would be the only one who could possibly understand. And she wasn't there anymore. She was the only one who had ever really understood him in that special way that only she could.

Ryan leaned his head backwards and let the tears that had been threatening to fall ever since he got here do just that. He cried silently and let every feeling in his body go. This time he didn't punch something like he normally would have, he cried instead.

Slowly he pulled out something from his back pocket. It was a photo of him and Marissa, taken by the bonfire they organized together last spring. And the photo only made him cry harder. Now he was shaking as the sobs over took him.

He missed her.

He pressed the photo hard against his chest and as the dawn came closer and closer and Ryan realised that he had been sitting there all night, he came to think of something.

No matter how much he cried or blamed himself, he couldn't get her back.

She was gone. For real. Forever.

**The End**


End file.
